The duo is the crux of stoner comedy. For some reason, marijuana-related humour has always seemed to work best in twos.
But, naturally, this presents a problem for studios. As egos expand, bad blood begins to boil and splits can—not to mention that with a duo, you have to pay two actors instead of just one. So, here, we humbly present a solution for how to move these cannabis-infused franchises forward without having to engage the pesky actor's behind them: digital face melding!
Using a specialized software found on the internet, we've created our own concept designs for what this might look like.
Come on, Hollywood—We've seen 'Rogue One: A Star Wars Story,' so we know you have the technology. Let's make this happen!
Cheech and Chong
We started with the godfathers of stoner comedy themselves--Cheech and Chong. The face meld came out quite convincing, if we do say so ourselves, although it is notable that entertainment’s most preeminent potheads, when combined, bear a striking similarity to Hollywood monster Harvey Weinstein. Although, admittedly, anybody who’s heard the first track off their 'Wedding Album’ might not be so surprised.
Jay and Silent Bob
Now, this one is a surprise. If you mix Jay and Silent Bob together, the results are actually kind of—dare we say—handsome.
Actually come to think of it, these characters are designed to be so opposite from one another, that their combined traits might make for an altogether stand-up dude. Not too talkative but not too quiet—not too aggressive, not too reserved...But not too funny, either.
If this meld proves shows us anything, it's how remarkably similar looking the ladies behind Comedy Central's Broad City look. So, based on visual aesthetics alone, you could realistically reduce these two stoner stars to just one queen.
Harold and Kumar
This one seemed to trip up the computer a bit. We can see both them in the finished product, but ultimately, it seems like it is more or less just showing us what Kal Penn looks like with bangs.
Wayne and Garth
We were honestly not expecting this one to work at all, but miraculously, we are able to see what the metal-loving public-access TV hosts would look like if they got zapped through a faulty transporter à la 'The Fly.' It looks pretty excellent, actually. Party on.
Bill and Ted
Speaking of faulty transporters, we'd also like to gift you this image—what the child of Bill or Ted would look like if they used that time machine of theirs to go back and fool around the one another's moms.
Craig and Smokey
The computer actually did a pretty bang-up job on this one, considering the 'Friday' pair's vastly different facial structures. So, yeah, this is cool and all, but we would be much more interested in what a combined Cube/Tucker creature would sound like, with Cube's aggressive baritone mixed with Tucker's high-pitched screech...We're sure it would sound just lovely.
Dale Denton and Saul Silver
Well, now we know what it would look like if Seth Rogan and James Franco's oft-displayed love affair somehow produced an offspring.
The results, oddly enough, appear quite attractive and learned—far-flung from the dumbass stoner antics seen in 'Pineapple Express.' Instead, this dude looks like he ought to be the love interest in the next Hallmark Christmas movie.
Ted and John
Oh dear God. We certainly did not expect the computer to spit out an image this horrifyingly convincing. This one is for those of you out there wondering what Marky Mark would look like with a round, fuzzy face and a pair of rabbit ears. We know you're out there—We've read your fan fiction.
Jeff Sessions and Nancy Regan
Who could forget everyone's favourite cannabis couple: Nancy Regan and Jeff Sessions. These two have probably had a bigger impact on cannabis culture in the US then any other pair on this list.
Could you imagine a more disapproving look than the one this melded image is giving you right now? It's uncanny—you can almost make out the horns.