Tucker Carlson: If Pandas Weren't Busy Trying To Have Sex, They'd Kill Us All

While every other media outlet was covering the stunning FBI raid on the offices of President Trump's lawyer Michael Cohen on Monday, Fox News commentator Tucker Carlson ran an exposé on a far more pressing topic: the murderous truth about panda bears.

"You know the official story about pandas: they're cute but adorably helpless, which is why they're almost extinct, but like a lot of what we hear, that's a lie," Carlson said in a segment called 'Pandas Exposed.'

"Pandas could easily kill you if they felt like it," Carlson added. "Thank God they don't."

The reason for that, he suggested, is that their hyperactive sex lives leave them with little time to slaughter the human race.

"When they're in the wild, male pandas engage in a fierce sexual contest," Carlson explained. "The winner has sex 40 times in a single afternoon...It's a good thing pandas are so distracted by their personal lives or humans would be the endangered species."

So maybe Special Counsel Robert Mueller should stop investigating Trump and start surveilling pandas before it's too late. At any moment, they could start flooding Facebook with ads for eucalyptus oils to trick us into basting ourselves to suit their palate.

For more on the story, check out this feature from Stephen Colbert, who's ticked with Carlson for stealing his panda jokes.


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