In news that should surprise absolutely no one, the latest film by human turd Kevin Spacey has officially tanked at the box office, taking in an abysmal $126 dollars on its opening night, and less than $500 projected over the entire weekend.
Despite its being released just last Friday, the film was originally shot in 2015, when the idea of movie called Billionaire Boys Club starring Spacey didn’t sound like the least palatable thing ever.
For obvious reasons, the film’s release has been pretty shaky, but rather than sink even more funds into the film replacing the actor à la ‘All The Money in The World,’ the distributors decided to apologetically stick the movie into theatres untouched. Using a market strategy that more or less amounted to "he’s, like, barely in the movie," it’s no wonder the film didn’t draw in its intended audience.
In honor of the film’s record-breaking lows, let’s take a look at just a few eBay items that made more money than Billionaire Boys Club this past week.
This Dude’s Pokémon Go Account
The account, which boasts a Mystic level of 40, five whole Mewtwos and a staggering 22 shiny Pokémon was probably a great steal for the person that eventually snagged it for just a few hundred dollars. Now, that person doesn’t even have to play the game anymore.
Actually, come to think of it, for some parents, that’s probably not such a bad deal.
A Toy Version of The Crappy Droid That Blew Up in 'A New Hope'
The Star Wars craze in the late 70s had its creator George Lucas and the Kenner toy company scrambling to crank out figures of increasingly obscure characters to appease the mass of young boys and girls jonesing for more product.
This character, which appeared in the film for all of a minute before blowing up and exiting the franchise forever, had its plastic figure go for nearly $500 this past weekend.
If you’re enough of a Star Wars nerd to know which one we’re talking about, you’re probably just two steps away from buying one of these yourself. We recommend you find other hobbies.
This Sexy Reindeer Toy
For that collector of Christmas-related sex paraphernalia in your life. Just when you thought 2018 could not make sex less appealing, you find a vinyl figure of a reindeer with an S&M fetish.
As for whoever picked it up last week for the low, low cost of nearly $500, it was a smart move to buy it so far ahead of time. Lord knows how those things shoot up in price during the holiday season.
A 50 Year-Old Box of Cereal
This is just another example of how people are slowly but surely becoming more comfortable with buying food online. The seller assures that this ancient box of cereal has never been opened, which means one lucky nostalgia hunter could experience it just like they had as a kid.
That said, we question its actual value. I’m sure if we looked towards the back of our grandmothers’ pantries, we’d find some Corn Flakes that are at least that old.
A Mary Poppins Pez Dispenser
Believe it or not, last week, someone was able to get their hands on a vintage Mary Poppins Pez dispenser for the supercalifragilisticexpialidocious price of just $800!
In a time when famous male figures are being exposed as creeps by the dozens, the fact that Dame Julie Andrews still commands this level of star-power is just that spoonful of sugar that helps those bitter truths go down.
So yeah, it’s a little steep, but we’re sure it’s worth every cent. Anyone who thinks differently can go fly a kite.