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The Remarkably Unfunny Comedy of Ted Cruz

During the 2016 Republican primaries, Texas Senator Ted Cruz made a name for himself as the creepy candidate who told many, many, many awful jokes. And his presidential bid wasn't the first time he's tried to add humor to politics. Cruz has been moonlighting as a terrible standup comic for decades.

So to celebrate his 46th birthday, we've put together a sampling of his very worst jokes over the years.

1. Career Objectives

Last January, a tape surfaced of Cruz discussing his career aspirations when he was a high school student in 1988. "Aspirations? Is that like sweat on my butt?" the 18 year old Cruz said. 


2. Domestic Violence

That ass sweat joke might have seemed like a stretch. But it's nothing compared to the bizarre one-liner Cruz dropped in February 2015, when he interrupted Sean Hannity and said, "No, I have not stopped beating my wife."


3. Threatening Trump

The Secret Service may have started keeping tabs on Cruz after he threatened President-elect Donald Trump last March. During an interview on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Cruz said, "If I were in my car and getting ready to reverse, and saw Donald in the backup camera, I'm not confident which pedal I'd push."


4. Tone Deaf Gun Jokes

Mere days after the Charleston church shooting in June 2015, Cruz decided to break out some gun jokes during a campaign event in Iowa. "The great thing about the state of Iowa -- I'm pretty sure y'all define gun control the same way we do in Texas: hitting what you aim at."


5. Stoner Comedian

Last February, Sean Hannity asked Cruz to comment on states legalizing recreational marijuana. And the Texas senator couldn't resist making some stale pot brownie jokes. Staler than a bag of pre-historic Doritos.


6. More Potshots at Cannabis

Cruz brought up cannabis edibles again during a Republican presidential debate in October 2015, when he offered to bribe the moderator with "some famous Colorado brownies." Seems like he's a bit obsessed with pot. Trying to come out of the cannabis closet, Ted?


7. Ripping Off Leno

Pot brownies aren't the only joke Cruz has beaten to death. He's also used an old Jay Leno joke in his speeches -- repeatedly. Check out this clip of Cruz borrowing the same jab at Obama on four separate occasions. Each one as unfunny as the last.  


8. Ripping Off Fallon

In 2014, Cruz cribbed comedian Jimmy Fallon's joke, saying that a guy recently caught hopping over the White House fence was actually President Obama trying to escape the rest of his term.

On the bright side, at least Cruz acknowledged his source when borrowing material. On the downside, he added to the joke by calling Obama an illegal immigrant.


9. Mocking the Mourning Bidens

Cruz doesn't always get away with recycling old material before. In June 2015, he regaled dinner guests with a few Joe Biden jokes that he'd been using since 2013. The only problem was that Biden's son Beau had died just a few days before that dinner.

Cruz later apologized for the insensitivity of his remarks.


10. The U.N.'s Duck-Slaying Delegate

In case you didn't know, Cruz has a bit of a crush on Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson. Last February, he praised Robertson's devotion to Jesus and duck killing. Two qualifications that Cruz felt made Robertson an ideal choice as America's U.N. delegate.

And with Trump in office, we might actually see this happen.



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