Catching a cheater doesn't even require any creative detective work anymore: why troll through your partner's steamy Facebook messages when you can surreptitiously install GPS or keylogging software? Why, indeed, bother actually talking to your partner about your relationship at all?
Now, Spanish mattress manufacturer Durmet has created a bed perfect for those who want to cuddle up close with their paranoia and insecurity every single night.
Smarttress, the world's "the first mattress that detects deception," is equipped with 24 sensors that function as a "lover detection system," sending an alert to your mobile phone whenever your bed is the site of regular, rhythmic movements that could constitute, ahem, suspicious activity.
If you're wondering if all this is an elaborate joke, the answer appears to be, sadly, no, though it is a sensible question to ask. "Could this be a publicity stunt? Sure. A hoax? Maybe, though it seems needlessly elaborate for a corporate prank," wrote Toronto Star columnist Vinay Menon.
At a media conference in April, Durmet allowed folks to test out the efficacy of its boink-detection claims for themselves.
Nor does Smartress spare your feelings: the app not only alerts you when someone is illicitly using your bed, but provides a horrifyingly detailed breakdown of the intensity of the movements, "impacts per minute," and the pressure points hit by various positions, the better for you to compare your performance that of your scumbag boss, Brad.
The stuff of nightmares, right? But according to Durmet, Smartress is "the only mattress that will let you rest 24 hours," safe and sound in the security of the tagline, "if your partner isn't faithful, at least your mattress is."
Welcome to the future of romance, ladies and gents.