“I guess take this home, try it out, get high, then fuck someone...or something, and write about it,” he said with a laugh, as he handed me a white box that contained a vape pen. On the box the word arouse was written in purple letters. That was all the instruction my editor had for me. Seemed simple enough. Was a sunny day in Venice. Perfect for getting high and having sex. I left the office and went home to do drugs and fuck. Professionally. Normally, if I were to have sex for money, I’d be a prostitute, but since I’m doing drugs at the same time that makes me a journalist. (America is funny that way.)
When I returned home, my cousin was there. I live with him. So I showed him the vape pen and told him what I knew about it. “It’s supposed to make you horny and high at the same time. It’s 500 milligrams of THC and CBD. It says you inhale until the vape pen shakes. It’s recommended that you limit intake to 3 doses per hour. Each dose is 2.5 milligrams.” I said, reading all of the information printed on the box.
My cousin reasoned that if this were to be a proper scientific experiment we’d need a control group. I asked, “What did you mean we?” He explained that one needs to see how the vape pen works when there’s zero chance for sex. We would be the control group. Yeah, sure. That made sense. So we slid open the box and pulled out the contents.
The Hmbldt Arouse dose pen is sleek and white and looks like a space tampon. We figured out which end to place our lips and the first inhale was smooth. Just as promised the space tampon shook in my hand. I appreciated the flavor, what I could taste, and then exhaled a rather thick hit for a vaporizer. That was impressive. I even coughed. My cousin took two pulls and passed it back. Two hits is the recommended dosage. Which works out to 5 milligrams. But since we both smoke regularly, we took one puff more for good measure. Then waited to see if either of us felt turned on.
Happy to report that I didn’t get horny sitting there alone with my cousin. And neither did he. Thirty minutes later, we vaped again. At no point did either of us feel our libidos swell or throb. At best we were kinda high. But definitely not floored.
We decided the next thing to do was test the effect of the vape pen with some added stimuli. I suggested we take a walk on the Venice boardwalk and see if the tourists - who are kinda annoying and generally in the way - looked any sexier than usual. To keep it scientific, we waited until we both felt sober. Then, we each took three fresh tokes from the pen and walked out onto the boardwalk, waiting to see if we felt as horny as two teen boys at their first strip club.
It was still early enough in the afternoon that the beach boardwalk pulsed with people as the sun headed for the horizon. We took a stroll to see if all the bare flesh felt anymore irresistible to our chemically-aroused libidos. Breasts bound back by bikini tops bounced past us, hips swayed as material stretched to keep all that ass together and decent enough for the public. There were plenty of reasons to be aroused. But neither my cousin nor I felt any extra special horniness. No sudden tightness in our pants. Neither of us lost our minds and felt some urgent need to run home and masturbate. Nope. We did both feel a modest increase of arousal. There was something there.
As we headed home, I decided the only thing left us was the full taste test. “It’s time to see how well this vape pen works for having sex,” I said. For a very brief moment, my cousin looked confused, as if I meant it was time for us to go home and fuck. I quickly clarified, “I don’t mean you. I mean with a woman. This shit’s not that strong.” My cousin looked relieved.
It was a weird text to send: Hey, you busy today? Wanna get high and have sex? It’s for work.
After a few hours of awkward waiting, my friend who I do not have regular sex with texted back: Yeah, sure. Why not?
So casual. That was good. She texted what time worked best for her to hook-up. I showed up at her place with some flowers, some lube, and my Arouse vape pen. I wondered if flowers might compromise our science experiment. One might argue they’d affect her arousal. But I felt she deserved flowers. She had agreed to have sex with me, on short notice. That deserves flowers.
The Product Test:
We both agreed wine was out since we wanted to test the effects of the vape pen unadulterated by any other substances. After a little small talk to shake off the day, we got comfortable and got high. I showed her how the vape pen works. She agreed it does look like a space tampon. But she really liked the draw of the inhale and that shaking sensation to tell you when to stop inhaling. She also liked that there was no button to push or anything else to fuss with. “Just slide it in your mouth and enjoy. I like that.”
After waiting a few moments for the the effects to kick in, we fell into some playful foreplay. It felt way different being high with her than with my cousin, or out on the boardwalk. That’s an understatement. The high melted together with my natural feelings of arousal. I couldn’t really tell you where one began and the other ended. But I felt aroused. She reported the same.
The best comparison would be that it felt like we’d picked a really dope playlist. Good music changes how you fuck. The vape pen did the same. We moved together like two naked slow dancers, twisting in the sheets. I should point out that it’s pretty normal for me to get high and have sex. That part was nothing new. Plenty to compare it to. One thing we both noticed, unlike puffing on a joint, or passing a pipe, or hitting a dab, unlike with smoke there was no cottonmouth sensation with the vape pen. Which made kissing far more enjoyable.
The skeptic in me suggested that we’d made the sex feel special with our curious expectations. Which is always a good attitude to bring to the bedroom. But she countered that she felt it was the effect of the vape pen. And well, I took her word for it. That’s good enough for me.
It’s quite obvious why Hmbldt’s line of vape pens were designated one of Time’s 25 Best Inventions of 2016. It’s fun, easy to use, and offers a controllable dosage. For a vape pen that holds 200 hits, it’s rather reasonably priced at $100. But let’s be real, the Arouse vape pen isn’t like Brass Monkey or Love Potion Number 9. It’s not gonna have you running around trying to kiss and hump everything in sight. It will increase feelings of arousal. Just don’t expect too much. As far as performance-enhancing drugs go, it’s no sexual steroids, it’s still just THC. If you or your partner need a little help to relax, this should do the trick. As far as aphrodisiacs go, it’s way better than slurping oysters. It helps sex feel extra good the same way getting high makes food taste super delicious.