Friends and family of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump likely face the same problem every June 14th: what birthday present can you get for a man who is so egotistical that scientists are studying the mystery of his narcissism?
Luckily, there's no shortage of Trump-themed presents that are perfect for the occasion. Here are nine actual things that you can buy for yourself or for The Donald to celebrate his 70th birthday.
1. Support the follicle-challenged
The "We Shall Overcomb" button's perfect for the Trump supporter whose biggest electoral issue is combating America's hairline recession. Available from Zazzle for $3.90.
2. Celebrate 'finger-gate'
While we're picking on Trump's insecurities, we can't overlook The Donald's bizarre obsession with defending the size of his own hands. And now you can wear one of the Republican nominee's strangest quotes as a t-shirt. Available from Zazzle for $25.05.
3. Taking a stand for apathy
Disaffected voters can finally show off their passionate indifference to the welfare of the country with this button. Available from Zazzle for $5.25.
4. Trump in the Buff
twitter / @steve8282
If you're disappointed that Trump has never posed for Playgirl, you can buy this artist's rendition of The Donald in the nude by Los Angeles-based painter Illma Gore, who was not very generous when it came to fleshing out the Republican nominee's penis. After it was hung at a gallery in London in early April, opening bids for the piece were around £100,000.
5. Fascist family tree?
No, The Donald isn't actually related to Italian dictator Benito Mussolini, who founded fascism. But Trump did give Il Duce a shout out on Twitter recently, so he might not mind the comparison. Available from Zazzle for $22.30.
6. Throwback Beef
Flickr / AlBakker
If you're interested in some vintage Donald memorabilia, try to get your normal-sized hands on Trump Steaks - a failed line of premium cuts of beef that came in packages ranging from $199 to $999. They're the perfect present for anyone, according to The Donald himself. "As a gift, Trump Steaks are the best you can give," said in a 2007 ad for the line.
But we wouldn't recommend eating them - not unless you get the ones that the Trump campaign bought from a Florida butcher and rebranded as Trump Steaks last March to prove that the brand hadn't gone extinct. Contact the Bush Brothers Provision Company for prices.
7. Birthday Bash
Need to take out some aggression? Pick up this extra large Trump piñata. Why extra large? As The Donald would say, "I like thinking big...if you're going to be thinking anyway, you might as well think big." Now the only question is, what do you fill it with - candy, money, rancid Trump Steaks? Available from Amazon for $67.99.
8. Trump TP
9. Washington Post Subscription
Since Trump recently revoked the Washington Post's press credentials because of the paper's alleged "phony and dishonest" coverage of his campaign, we can't think of a better birthday present than a subscription to the Post so that he can read their coverage of his many upcoming gaffes on the road to Election Day.
banner image: Flickr / Gage Skidmore