Cocktail Trends That Need To Die

Elaborate cocktails are incredibly annoying. There. We said it.

One: they're the leading cause of traffic jams at the bar. Two: Combining 71 syrupy/fruity/spicy/whatever ingredients with booze is bound to ratchet up your hangover. And three: what wizard potion of muddled organic dragonfruit and bitters from the dark side of the moon is really worth $20, anyway?

The rise of "mixology" has taken the act of plonking down a pint or a whiskey-and-water to the level of bougie self-parody.

Here are 4 cocktail trends that need to die.

Artisanal cocktail ice

Extra-clear, extra-dense spheres, cubes and chiselled swans are now so much of a Thing that entire careers have now been built around frozen water. Ridiculous ice will run you a dollar extra per cube at some spots. Just drink your whiskey neat like a real person.

College kid drinks

We admit it looks kinda cool when the bartender pours simultaneously from the 6 bottles it takes to make that Long Island Iced Tea. But the end result still tastes like a mat shot. Save everyone's time and develop a palate for bottom-shelf liquor if your only objective is to get super wasted.

Any drink ending in "-tini" other than a martini

The worst offender: the green-dyed apple schnapps concoction known as the Appletini, a.k.a NOT A MARTINI, a.ka. the preferred drink of those who love sugar, hate the taste of booze, and haven't gotten out much since the late-90s/early-2000s.

Any drink featured on a TV show

Here's looking at you, Sex in the City. You too, Mad Men.

If you're really bent on ordering a blended drink that takes 20 minutes to shake, muddle, and pour, why not skip straight to the big leagues and order one of these.


Hiding behind big sunglasses, I slunk to my car and started the engine. The bag containing a month’s worth of flower and edibles that I had just bought at Weedology, a legal dispensary in Ontario, Oregon was stuffed hastily into my bag; I dared not unseal it to survey the goods. Though my heart was pounding, I forced myself to cut a slow track out of the parking lot.

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