The human body is hardwired to seek and enjoy sex, yet many people around the world struggle with sexual dissatisfaction. And that can be extremely difficult for people in relationships as sexual frustration often creates tension between partners. In many cases, those problems aren't either partner's fault. People respond to certain sexual stimuli better than others, and it's hard to predict which will and won't work since many people don't really know what gets their own sex drives going.
Thanks to social stigmas and taboos around sexuality, finding out what makes us tick as individuals can be extremely difficult. That's why many people turn to cannabis and sex coaches like Carli Jo for help.
Carli Jo is a sex coach who helps couples achieve sexual satisfaction. In her coaching she recommends using cannabis with the intention to overcome sexual shame and discovering fulfillment and deep satisfaction. After listening to an interview with her on the Sex Magic Podcast, I reached out to her to discuss the connection between cannabis and sex, how to pair cannabis with the 5 different erotic types, life as a sex coach and more.
Check out the highlights from our chat below.
How do you usually explain to people what you do for a living?
With most people I just say I'm a sex coach who teaches couples how to get their sexual needs met. Almost everyone then says they have never met a sex coach. Well, the couples and I use an online video conference format to talk and I work with them long term: No less than six months. I call it boutique coaching because I only have a small amount of clients. That allows me to check in with them frequently: “Hey, how are you doing? I was thinking about you. I think you guys should try this...” I can focus on my clients.
When I heard you speak in the podcast, I noticed that you use very inclusive language. You spoke about vulva-bodied people and cock-bodied people. Do you work with a great variety of genders and orientations?
My language is very inclusive because this is precise. Some people have cocks and some have vulvas and in many sexual contexts that matters. Even though my language is inclusive, I'm also still learning. I speak from a place of what I know and understand. And that happens to be from a heterosexual cis woman's point of view. The more same-sex couples and gender-diverse clients I get, the more I learn though. My writing originally comes from a place of talking about couples as “he” and “she” but now I try to use terms like vulva-bodied and cock-bodied when it's suitable. I would leave out a huge part of the population if I didn't.
I'm glad because my clients and I agree to bring a mentality of “we practice practicing. We have permission to say things wrong and then learn.” I have worked with a trans man recently and that brought more awareness for me too. I'm still in awe of the experience and it also caused me to ask myself: “Do I really identify as a female? I also have aspects of myself that I think of as more masculine. It is very rewarding to discover that.”
How did you become a sex coach? What's the basis of erotic education everyone should know?
I have an undergraduate degree in psychology but really – none of that matters. Then I joined the Tantra Institute of Integrated Sexuality one year program. I am certified as a sex, love and relationship coach. Recently I got certified as an Erotic Blueprint coach. I'm happy with my path and learned more during self-exploration than in any formal setting and I think that is key.
Here are a few basics: Miss Jaiya created 5 Erotic BlueprintsTM that help us explain our sexual wiring. The “Energetic” type gets turned on by teasing and anticipation, the energy between those involved. The second type is “Sensual” and gets turned on by all five senses activated. The “Sexual” type is stimulated by nudity, penetration and orgasm, while the “Kinky” one loves breaking taboos. The “Shapeshifter” type gets turned on by it all and wants it all. And there are mixed types as well. You always know when you meet a Shapeshifter. Usually, after talking for a while, I can start to guess which type you are. There is a quiz online too. In my explorations I found out: I'm an Energetic/Sensual. Through the quiz and basic understanding I used to think, I was a Sensual, but after further body reveals, I discovered I was an Energetic first, Sensual second. Everything I wear is sensual and feels amazing on my skin. I can have an orgasm eating a strawberry.
How can a relationship benefit from knowing your type?
In a relationship to make each other happy we need to feed each other well. Being fed in your blueprint is the most amazing thing. If you are a Sensual type and you are fed sensuality – soothing lights and sounds and tastes – you might also open up to your other sides, discover that Kinky might be sleeping inside. You can wake it up under the right circumstances. We probably all have the ability to be Shapeshifters. And we can meet our partner's type if we learn how to feed and be fed according to our types.
This offers potential for communication. It completely saved my husband and me. I have his consent to talk about this. What makes me a good coach is that I have gone through the pain and heartache of longing for a fulfilling relationship. Then I met him and we are a great match but we were on two different planets sexually. I can speak from past tense now. We just couldn't figure it out. I was not being fed correctly. It wasn't working. So, I thought: Okay I'm going to school. I was a bit stubborn before that. I thought it couldn't be “my fault” because I was a sex coach. With the blueprints, it all made sense to us. We are no longer conforming to any stereotypes anymore of what a marriage is or what a wife is. Communication is so key and we just discover what is really in us.
Cannabis and meditation can help find your erotic type and communicate with your partner?
Cannabis has been a huge part of us expanding as a couple. Let me give you an example: Sensuals have a really hard time getting out of their heads. Now that we have the language, we can talk about everything more lightly. We are born these erotic creatures, but nobody gives us a road map. What turns me on doesn't necessarily turn him on. I assumed that because he is a man, he was a Sexual. I went for his genitals. But that didn't do it for him. Gender stereotypes can get in the way a lot. So why was he not responding to what other men had been responding to? Did he not find me desirable?
The funny thing is that he was initiating to me as a Sexual too: “Do you want to have sex?” was his foreplay. So, he was taking away the anticipation which I need. Now it seems so simple!
As I said, for Sensuals the biggest issue is getting in their heads, we need stimulation of the senses and if there is not “enough” of it, we get distracted. As we know, cannabis activates our senses. We feel things on a deeper level. Our senses are heightened. We get into our pleasure and we will feel it in a more warm, fuzzy way.
How did your own journey with sex and cannabis start?
I have used cannabis intentionally for about four years. My intention was just to be present in my body. I did a one hour long tantric experience for school, but I still just couldn't get out of my head. People have been mixing sex with cannabis forever but using it intentionally is different. You ask yourself a question. You have a goal. Suddenly I was in my body. I was swimming around my vagina, seeing flowers. We then had sex sessions and it only took a few before I had multiple orgasms. First, I judged and shamed instantly and said: They were not mine, it was the cannabis. A coach then told me that cannabis showed me what was possible. But it was my body that did it. Cannabis only took the veil off. Women-identifying people often remember one guy who gave them a great orgasm and think without him this will never happen again. But I tell them it was their body that did it and they can experience it still.
In my experience, cannabis helps you to have sex of the souls, instead of sex of the minds. For someone who has never experienced it: how would you describe sex magic?
For me, it helps me find my connection with my soul. This connection is my north star, my balance, my center. That is what sex magic or tantra or sacred sexuality is: Sex that aligns with your soul connections. It is understanding that sex is more than penetration. It is an awakening of energy that is within all of us.
There are many ways to experience sex. Once you experience the soul connection, it's amazing: For Energetics, we tend to go into trances. We see colours, we see shapes, a very energetic place. We can all get to it if we desire. I told my friend about this the other day. “All that is great,” she said, “but I just want to be fucked hard.” Yes – I understand; you are a Sexual! But for an Energetic, it's other things that are the basis of arousal: reading together, looking into your partner's left eye, feeling the atmosphere. It is one pathway. When you are more connected to your body another world opens up for you.
Do you find there are typical ways of being sexual that are not soulful and lead couples to unsatisfactory sexual experiences?
People said to me, they just “want it over with.” Sex out of obligation really is something that cannot lead to a lot of good.
You mention that cannabis is a particularly feminine herb. How do feminine people benefit from it?
The plant is the representation of the divine feminine. Witches in northern California and in many other places of the world passed that knowledge from generation to generation. Spiritual healers also stress there is a masculine and a feminine in us, a Ying and a Yang. Unfortunately, we often represent the masculine and discredit the feminine sexually although it is true too. That goes through all aspects of life. The masculine mentality of goal-orientation, focus on producing a particular outcome is dominant. Now, healing is becoming more recognized. It is almost becoming more mainstream in some places. There hasn't been a lot of practice for this other side yet. Cannabis is medicine, an herb that can help us bring out process-orientation instead of goal-orientation. I have shifted to process-orientation. When I write for blogs, talk to clients, make videos, or while I'm in this interview with you – I'm in the Now.
How can cannabis help couples rewrite their sexual narrative?
When I consume, I am a sex goddess. I had a lot of sexual shame for being curious. I overcame that shame. I blamed myself: why do I love to talk about sex all the time? But cannabis stimulates accepting receptors in the brain: oxytocin, bliss-molecules, serotonin that bring out more carefree, more spiritual angles. I feel: it is already in me. When I'm consuming I just feel like a high priestess of pleasure. So, I'm rewriting my narrative that was: “Pleasure is for men. Sex is for men. I'm too curious. Only 20 percent of women are orgasmic ...” I can start to see through the lens of awareness that these are stories, and they are someone else's stories. They are not my stories. I can come eating a strawberry. I can have nipple orgasms! I can have energygasms!
My new narrative: I really believe that we're all sex Godesses. I can feel the earth. I am ecosexual. Earth is always penetrating me. I'm turned on 24/7 here in Bali. A century ago, they thought clitorises had no use. They were just this thing on our body that didn't feel anything. When we sit here today, we can't without remembering where we came from. Healing ourselves in this lifetime heals the past and the future. Even today I cringe at Cosmo and I can hardly watch movies because of how they represent sex.
But nature – and cannabis – can heal us. Imagine being raised in a community of elders who celebrate your body, who celebrate your innocence. You become playful. You start to be playful and it is accepted. You become a young adult. You learn how to honour your body. You learn about pleasure. You're an adult and you now understand that your body is a sacred temple. And everybody else's is too. Imagine how your sexuality would be different.
Would you say that cannabis gives you an experience like we had been raised without shame, fear and hurt?
A lot of vulva-bodied people report that cannabis has healed them like that. Healed their trauma.
You mention energygasms. Can you tell us a bit about orgasm on cannabis? Have you experienced non-touch orgasms before?
I've had them by myself. It is a bit harder to get there with two people than with one. The only physical stimulus I had was a Jade-egg in my vaginal canal. It felt like a G-spot orgasm that then activated a clitoral orgasm. And last week I experienced an orgasm at the vaginal opening. It was milder than a clit orgasm but very beautiful. I talked to a client recently. She was a big fan of the clit. Then she noticed that it was more and more difficult for her to orgasm that way. We discovered that it was time to rewire. Her homework was to pretend she had no clitoris for a few weeks. Her pleasure is now starting to move. 20 years ago your favourite flavour of ice cream might have been vanilla. But that might change. And it is changing for her. Other parts of her body become more sensitive.
Do you believe that the combination of cannabis and sexual pleasure can lead to some kind of spiritual awakening?
Yes. Again, this is where I use the blueprints to explain. There are also five stages of sex. “Resting” is what we experience in a celibacy of some kind, a sexless marriage, while being single. “Healing” occurs after accidents, trauma, menstruation and other difficulties. The “curious” phase makes you want to try out what is there and what more is there, while the “adventurous” phase leads you to taking action. The last phase, is “transformational”. And we also call that sex magic, sacred sexuality and intentional sex. Cannabis can help with growth and awakening. If you want to know which phase you'd like to enter, you can ask cannabis to guide you. Do you want to heal, transform, be curious, expand to – let's say – your kinky side? I have always been kinky. But I needed healing and it took me awhile to ask that I be called a “dirty slut.” It took aftercare too. I asked my husband to tell me it is okay afterwards, that I really did't need to be ashamed. Cannabis helps with this shame: Inhibitions start to lower. You can overcome insecurity.
So far, nobody can tell you scientifically why this works. Also, I can't tell you which strain works best. There is no universal answer for that. All strains are different and so are all people. A few other factors seem to matter more than the strain: Your partner's mindset and yours and the energy between you. Some Energetics might be so in tune with their partners that they can experience a non-touch orgasm simultaneously. If that's the case for you that might even work over a distance. You might not even be in the same room or country.
It seems that THC makes people more introspective. How has this impacted your life and the lives of the people you work with?
Your body is creating energy to create life. But that life doesn't have to be a child. It can be a business, a client, money, or fulfillment. If you are syncing your breath together, you're sending energy to each other's genitals, or looking into each other’s eyes, that could be transformational sex. THC helps you find what you really need, without the clutter of society.
I recently spoke to a trans woman who used cannabis to help her find her true self. She is now able to shift her genitals from one to the other at will. Have you ever heard of this happening to someone else?
It goes back to everyone's individual pathway. She is a woman. Do you know what our biggest sex organ is? It is the brain. If she is meditating and coming into the spiritual place, she is removing the societal bullshit. We can be whatever we want and we can find it under that bullshit! There are huge possibilities that while she is cock-bodied, her neuro-pathways allow for her to tap into vulva-bodied energy. I do that all the time. We have done cock-energy work during the training: we, a group of cis women, are rehearsing to stroke our cocks and we are feeling them. Stroking the cock of someone who physically doesn't have one works. They can feel it.
Wouldn't that be really nice for everyone to experience? How would you describe a sexual utopia on earth?
The world needs acceptance. If you look at the dictionary definition of sex you see how limiting it is currently explained. Most dictionaries will give an explanation that is only for heterosexuals and completely focused on genitals. It is not serving anyone. I still see these horrible comments online about anything that is outside the norm. It's probably closeted kink that leads people to say these mean things to each other: If I'm hiding something to fit the “norm”, I think you should too. So we shame everyone. If we were free from this shame, we'd be truly free.
For centuries, people have combined alcohol and sex to lower inhibitions. What's your impression of the acceptance of cannabis in sex spaces?
When I was interviewed for the Sex Magic Podcast, the hosts told me about their interest in kink and BDSM. What I see is that this overall acceptance of alcohol in these events: it is totally fine to be drunk, but cannabis is forbidden or shamed. That is questionable because being drunk makes it very difficult to give consent and feel your needs in a healthy way.
Microdosing cannabis is my gateway into untapping a kinky sexuality within me and it helps other people too. I posted a picture that said: do you love to smoke weed and have sex? There were a thousand likes and stories. It would make sense that we would start having kink-related parties with cannabis. I went to one play party where everyone was super-conscious: Everyone talked about their wishes, their yeses and their nos. And I have been to another party, less conscious, with more alcohol. The more we explore the non-normative sexually, the more we need safety, boundaries, worshipping, consciousness and honouring the sexual being of everybody's body.
So we are now putting together a playparty in collaboration with a company called Chakras. Each strain in their assortment is dedicated to a different chakra.
Smoking or edibles? How do your sexual experiences differ from one to the other? Do you have experience with using oils or creams on the skin as a stimulant during sex?
Playing around with edibles is perfectly matching with Energetic types. With edibles, it takes a while to feel the effects. The THC and CBD have to be metabolized first. The fact that you eat an edible and then you go on about your life and suddenly it comes in, you get tingly – that works well with Energetics. There is anticipation! A sensation in your body that takes you out of your head. Edibles add into your body, going through all these different phases, which makes the experience longer. It just pairs really well with those that are Energetic.
Smoking is more in the head. It works really well for Sensuals. Your senses get incredibly activated while you're grinding, smelling, rolling, feeling and seeing the smoke touching the lips. Even thinking about it: the blowing of the smoke can be a real turn-on. All five senses are activated. Sensuals would also work well with a cannabis infused sensual massage. Weed lubes are also great because you can rub them on your genitals.
Sexuals don't care about different forms of consumption as long as they get their nudity, penetration and orgasm. Sour Diesel – a strain of cannabis – is also called nature's Viagra. It helps with erectile dysfunctions. Kink goes well with microdosing and CBD. You might not need much, just a little nudge. It also depends, if you are sensation-based kinky or more into psychological kinky. Vapes are not particularly sexual but they are easy, you can smoke them while you're out and about.
There are many of us that use cannabis as an access to sexuality. There is even a term for it: cannasexual, established by Ashlay Manta. And it is so important to know: I'm not alone.
We are plenty.